Happy New Year, You False Prophets Of Maya

(Not News! Argh! Please delete!)


So yeah… a belated happy new year from all the ZT staff (and for that matter, crimbo) to all those who celebrate it at this particular time of year. A sigh of relief was heard across  the globe on the 21st of December, as it turned out the Mayans were wrong-as-fuck and the world didn’t blow up or anything. (Are you seriously having a go at the Mayans?! Still, that’s so passé!?’ you ask? Yep that’s it, still touring strong with that Mexican circus).


Speculations still rage, however, and of course, them old Mayans could have been referring to comet Elenin, which missed the Earth by 22 million miles and was thus more likely to hit the bloody moon rather than Mesoamerica. That was in 2011 or something, I’m not an astronomer.


What were they thinking, though? Pinning down a date 13 Baktuns away… surely that was only ever going to result in mockery. Bien sûr, the prophets who pinned out these dates, are long dead… so long, in fact that no one remembers their very names, condemning an entire race to parody, laughed and pointed at by unprofessional music journalists who clearly haven’t done their goddamn research.
Then again, did anyone know what was actually to happen? I understand that the Long Count’d reach its conclusion, bringing on the end rather than a new beginning (according to some googe results that were glanced at briefly)… but how exactly were we to die?


Whilst the Michael Bay school of thought would unquestionably brought upon CGI natural disasters of epic proportions, I generally prefer to think more Ishirō Honda, with statues of stone animated, marching towards the Alamo in a bid to retake the land of Small Bear and his buddies, the Native Americans. Imagine the chaos! And the amount of phone-camera footage on YouTube.


Undeniable such a monumental attack, back in those days (when fish bladders were still used as johnnies and fishing was infinitely more popular), say the 3rd Baktuns, would have come close to the end of the world. Stone colossuses walking all over pyramids and temples, It’d taken generations to build those… they meant everything for these inventors of the taco.


But let’s be realistic here, you get, what, say four of these massive animated statues marching to the US border… what do you expect will happen. Yeah, the border control will be freaked out and ‘want the president on the line now’, but c’mon…we have tanks now…and nuclear missiles. We have the power to blow up mountains just to build tourist trails through ‘em. Some rugged stoned effigies are hardly going to be a threat of genocidal degree to the human race. How would they get to Europe, anyway? A cruise? You need a cabin to get onto a cruise and given they’d be like, say as tall as the Tower ov Mordor (or the Shard, whatever), you’d never fit the buggers
on there. I can smell a lawsuit from here and I live in Harringey.
Speculation aside, I’m sure the Mayans figured out a way to kill everybody, after all they invented the motherfucking basketball. You gotta question these things, though… can’t just believe anything dodgy journalists tell you on online blogs. They probably haven’t even properly AskJeeved these things. After all we’re talking about race turned into Mexicans by Spaniards (yes, that bit was ripped off from Danny DeVito, weep!).


So yes, on a serious note (and I was gonna relate all this to metal, but got carried away), this post also marks the end of a quiet period on the ZT website, as our news editor (yours truly) is setting off with a large wooden stick to wake his minions out of their winter hibernation. As promised in glorious issue #50 further 2013 are on the way to you… soon.






p.s. YES, Viz Magazine, I am very much available for hilarious non-sights on contemporary madness.

Thanks for dropping in!

If you’re here maybe you should think of adding Zero Tolerance Magazine to your arsenal of regular reading? We offer a 3-issue trial subscription to whet your appetite. http://store.ztmag.com