FUCK YOUR ATTENTION SPAN: INTERVIEW WITH LONDON’S AD/HD FEST

London’s very own AD/HD Fest returns for its third edition tonight, turning Good Friday at the Camden Unicorn into a messy occasion. Ahead of the evening’s debauchery, ZT attempted to maintain the attention of the Fest’s organisers long enough for an “interview”…

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ZT: For those with poor memory (i.e., everyone who attended the last edition), please introduce yourselves again, Mister Hyper and Uncle Deficit…

I’m Uncle Deficit, organiser of the AD/HD experience, and Mister Hyper here is the general dogsbody. God, 10 seconds in and we’re bored already. What gives?

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ZT: Do you remember how last year’s AD/HD went? Is it too much to expect any improvements to this year’s Fest?

I don’t really bother remembering what happens ‘cos when it happens, I’m already onto something else. Mister Hyper says: “Yes it was great, except a couple of the bands ended up playing 20 minute sets which wasn’t in the spirit of the evening, which didn’t really make any difference to us though ‘cos we stop paying attention after the first song anyway”.

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ZT: This is the third edition, correct? Or is it the fourth? Anything special planned? What can we, the cream of metal journalists, expect?

I dunno, is it? Does it matter? The cream of the metal journalists can expect to squirt straight into their silk panties when they witness the sexy spectacle of 5 bands arguing over who’s next and who’s using whose gear. But mostly very short sets. Who wants to listen to some dick wail on a guitar for any longer than one song, anyway?

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ZT: Three 10-min sets per band – why would you do this? Any self-respecting metal band would surely breach this Draconian time limit with their majestic 8-minute solos (Craven who?…)

The question should be asked differently. Why would anyone bother playing a longer set at a gig? Mister Hyper says: “What was the question? Does it matter? Who are you?” I heard the Craven Idol boys are releasing a 34 minute majestic guitar solo in guise of their next album, I don’t think they’re even bothering with bass. Or drums. Or singing. It’s just a really long solo. But then I heard they have no self-respect, as they recently sold all their instruments apart from a guitar and a Blackstar amp for glue. This is the sort of mentality we actively encourage. Fuck instruments, they’re lame and who has the time to get good at playing them apart from nerds anyway?!

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ZT: Tell us about the bastards submitting themselves to this madness – who are they, why did you select them, and what rider requirements did you have to meet to get them to play?

Let’s see if I can remember this. Noise Complaint, who for some reason think this is a good enough idea to do it two years in a row. Pints, their first experience of it, and they got on the bill because they were lied to about the rider. Sematary, I have no idea why they said yes, it had something to do with dreadlocks. Disfago are on the bill because no other promoter would put them on, and OiZ II Men are a token punk band to ensure some street cred, but are on the bill mainly because they have a fucking stupid name.

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ZT: “It’s not a gig, it’s a race” – what does the winner get? If the audience stay till the end what do they get?

The winner gets to leave the venue first and go to the Dev. If the audience stays till the end, they get a sticky mess in their panties and a mild feeling of shame and self loathing, just like those music journos.

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ZT: Tell us about the venue, the Camden Unicorn – why are they putting up with you a second time around?

Well, this nice lady called Jill allowed us to do it. Mister Hyper says: “The people at the Unicorn are misanthropists of the highest order, they truly hate people coming to their venue, so they were willing to have AD/HD take place because the owner loves to see a large crowd of people becoming increasingly frustrated, fuck people anyway, they only get in the way, hey, when are we going to Burger King, I’m bored now”.

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ZT: Is this edition presented by Chimpyfest? If so, how/why did you hook up with those vicious primate perverts? Because we need someone to do the organising for us. It’s hard to do anything when you stop caring after 10 minutes. Also, they know more bands than we do, I can’t remember even half of the names of the bands I’ve gone to see with Mister Hyper. Mister Hyper says: “Mind your own business you journo cunt“.

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ZT: Why should people pay attention (see what I did there…) to AD/HD? How will you step up your game now that the ‘Dyslexics are Teople Poo: All Dayer’ is launching?

Do they have 10 minute sets, 3 a band like us? I doubt it. But I heard they do creative things with the band names on the promotional material and pretend it’s because of dyslexia. I wish we could do the same, but we can’t really get away with it.

ZT: What do you think of Sematary’s drummer’s dreads?

Mister Hyper says: “Not as meaty as the bassist from OiZ II Men’s dreads”.

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ZT: Uncle Deficit, we understand you’re the head of Peter Andre’s Official Fan Club, North London Chapter, PADMF (PETER ANDRE DWELLING MOTHERFUCKERS). Any chance he’ll drop by for an impromptu duet with any of the bands, or maybe a quick solo performance?

Pete mentioned he wanted to do a short set of his hits, including the classic “Mysterious Girl“, and we are negotiating his fee with his agent. Provided he doesn’t ask for more than a cup of Bovril, a joint and a couple of protein shakes, he’ll be duet-ing with most of the acts that night. From what I understand, he’s a fan of our nights and used to play in his own pornogrind band back in the day, they were called Bonza Blood Dripping Willies Cobba, their demos are great.

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ZT: Is it true the upcoming Disfago release contains a five-minute ‘Black Mass’ dedicated to the eternal majesty of Goats Goats Goats and conducted with Muzak (a la prison-era Burzum) during a bestial gathering of London’s extreme metal elite?

I dunno, the Disfago boys are all terribly awkward and are plagued with a variety of speech impediments and bizarro foreign accents, so most of what they say is entirely a mystery to me. Funny you mention Kristian ‘Varg’ Vikernes, he was Mister Hyper’s prison wifie for a number of years and those prison-era Burzum records were written in honour of him. Sadly for Varg, Mister Hyper chose to get together with Baard ‘Faust’ Eithun because he’d at least try to fight back. This is why those records are so melancholy. Mister Hyper has a thing for sad, lonely, long-haired murderers.

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ZT: Why aren’t Goats Goats Goats playing AD/HD? What do you think of their third demo?

Not as good as their first demo, when they were known as Goaty MccGoatGoat and the Goatronic 7.

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ZT: The final words are yours, I’ve stopped paying attention

Let me touch you down there Daragh, you sexy little minx, you.

Well hello there!

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