Fuck Crimbo.
Just had to get that out of the way. Moving along, as we near the dawn of a new year, we all inevitably look back trying figure out where the hell those 365.25 days went. Though many were lost to a drunken belligerent haze, I do know I went batshit at Gorguts, travelled to eight festivals in various locations throughout the UK and Europe, and averaged at least 2.457 gigs a week. Listened to a fuckton of albums and worshipped at the altar of Florence and the Machine too. So, why not compartmentalise and break it down into a handy little ‘year in review’ guide, eh? Gonna need something to remind me of what the hell happened in 2012 when the early onset dementia takes me.
I also asked various members of my favourite UK bands to get their list on about anything metal and/or grind related. We’ve got gigs, drinks, discoveries and vinyl, with my boring ass two cents at the end. Enjoy and SUPPORT YOUR FUCKING SCENE.
SLAM DOWN: Chris – Party Cannon – Top 5 surreal death/grind gigs of 2012 that I’ve either attended or been involved in. Ranging from being stung by a fish to seeing a mic thoroughly shoved up someone’s arse.
1. Malta Death Fest at V-Gen, Paceville
Aside from it being the first time Party Cannon had played Europe and that people seemed to know who we were and all that clichéd stuff, this gig was a series of ridiculous events. Not only did we have to drive 10 hours from Dunfermline to Bournemouth to get our flight, within half an hour of being in Malta, our guitarist Jack got stung by a venomous fish, in his finger, like the one he needs to play guitar. This resulted in the bassist from Carnal Decay using a set of pliers to pry out a deeply embedded spine from Jack’s hand.
2.The Highland Death Metal Tea Party at The Tea Posy, Dingwall
Agonised Deformity, Laceration and Party Cannon in the most remote town in Scotland playing a cafe/second hand book shop. Keeping with the name, tea was being sold during the bands, which is clearly what every gig needs. Stony from Party Cannon was crowd surfed whilst drinking a cup of tea during Agonised Deformity’s set, you can’t get more grind than that.
3. Laceration and Party Cannon at The Telegraph, Newcastle
This was the first night of the Laceration/Party Cannon mini-tour and we were lucky enough to be playing with Horrific Sexual Atrocity, who may be the greatest band of all time. Their set ended with their guitarist Joe lying on the ground, fully naked with a microphone literally hanging out of his arse. It was beautiful, and it proved bringing a spare mic on tour was a good idea.
4. Cemetery Rapist and Anal Penetration at The Banshee, Edinburgh
Easily the best gig I’ve ever had the chance to put on. 30-40 people crammed into the smallest venue in Edinburgh for what I was pretty certain to be the only pornogrind gig in Scotland that night. Not only did Cemetery Rapist wear a shirt with a massive back print that said “Suck me off” for the whole night, he turned out to be the nicest guy ever. We spent the whole gig discussing our favourite fillings for a falafel wrap and showing each other cat videos on youtube, and about ten minutes before he was to go on, I found him hiding behind some bins outside smoking a can pipe. It was awesome.
5. Sufferinfuck and XharoldshitmanX at Monty’s, Dunfermline
In my hometown of Dunfermline, it is very rarely that a heavy gig happens, as it is the shittest place ever. Like seriously, horrendously shit. And when it does it’s usually some beatdown bro-core bands with illusions of grandeur on their 3-date Scottish tour of every useless place ever. So finding out there was a powerviolence show was pretty refreshing. Crushed into the corner of the pub, between some couches and playing from the smallest amps to about 10 people, this gig was hilariously mental. With folk being crowd surfed into the kitchen, some guy getting caught doing heroin in the toilets and Sam Wells chatting up some girl whilst on stage during xharoldshtimanx’s set, this was easily the most surreal gig to happen in Dunfermline.
GET NECRO: Nik – Cease To Exist/Armour Of Contempt – Top 5 Gigs
1. Split between Swallowed live at Killtown Deathfest in Copenhagen – best death metal performance of the year, really cant wait for the LP to drop – and Skullhog/Coffins/Funeralium live in Paris, total crusher of a gig.
2. Autopsy/Bolt Thrower at Boltfest. Do I even need to explain this one?
3. Jig-Ai at OEF. Balls out fun. Literally.
4. Shared by Blasphemophagher and Dead Congregation at Nuclear War Now. Real shame Blasphemophagher are breaking up.
5. The Afternoon Gentlemen– smahing it live on Chimpyfest. additional mention in 5 to Merciless Precision and their 2 crushin chimpyfest sets, was a real riot.
Other Quality Etcera: New Zyanose record, Poison Idea live at OEF, Sonne Adam live with Grave, D-Clone live, Column Of Heaven 12, (a bit obvious) Pseudogod LP, VOORHEES live at Morrowfest, Zom Ritualization and Voids of Vomit at KTDF, all the new Horus Heresy books.
GRIND ON: Edd – Human Cull – Top 5 Gigs
1. Doom – Bristol, Subvert Fest
Taking the stage at gone 1 in the morning at Subvert Fest to the atmospheric ‘Reality Asylum’,
Doom kicked into a bleak and brutal set of crust. An unstoppable force after over 20 years.
2. (the) melvins – Bristol
A small sold out show at the Croft in Bristol. Playing with the ‘full’ melivins line up (two drummers), it was a great experience.
3. Wormrot – London
A short, fast, tight set from the Sinagporian boys. Killer grindcore played how it should be – with belief. A band this size playing a free show in Camden created total choas all night. Brilliant.
4. Bolt Thrower – Boltfest
A killer line up which Bolt Thrower still managed to come out on top of. A a killer set list of new and old favourites which comprised of classic crusty death metal war-stomps.
5. The Afternoon Gentlemen – Bristol w/ Weekend Nachos
The ‘Gents ably demonstrated how they kill with raw grind power.
COCKS OUT: Wogg – Horrific Sexual Atrocity – Top 5 Generalities
1. Blastonbury Fastevil 2012 – Because my favorite band Ahumado Granujo played and I was drunk for 3 days straight
2. Obscene Extreme 2012 – Because it’s Obscene Extreme and Czech beer is cheap!
3. Discovering “Elbow Drop – I Tupa Tupa GxC” – Columbian grindcore. I play the album on repeat most days. Buy it here.
4. The semi explosion of grind gigs in the UK. KEEP IT UP!
5. Jig-Ai and Captain Cleanoff playing Chimpy Fest in London 2013
DRINK UP: THE AFTERNOON GENTLEMEN – Top 5 Inebriation Facilitators
1. BLACK STORM
2. K
3. FROSTY JACK’S
4. CRUMPTON OAKS
5. BOSS SUPER
WHY? CHEAP/STRONG
BREAK EDGE: Tony – Gout – Top 5 Vinyl Acquisitions
1. ‘Deep Throat Part II – The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack‘ – Big fan of wahwah and sleazy bass. I was going to mention something about late night moisturiser sessions, but then I remembered that on the inside of the double gatefold is an interview with Ron Jeremy.
2. 50% share of ‘The Final Countdown double LP – The Very Best Of Soft Metal‘ – Robert Palmer made it on to this
3. Regurgitate – ‘Carnivorous Erection’ Picturedisc – A colleague of mine is on the cover
4. Brutal Truth – ‘Evolution In One Take: For Grindfreaks Only! Volume 2’ – Live album without punter-induced encouragement interruptions
5. Venomous Concept – ‘Poison Apple’ – What’s not to like about annoying little cute things getting ‘Nammed
REDNECKOGNIZE: This Bitch – Majeur de Poseur/Juggalo Enthusiast – Top 5 Whatever
1. Dave Mustaine v. George Stroumboulopoulos – “To me the guy that makes the most sense is Rick Santorum”/”I want to change the subject, I don’t want to talk about my president”
2. Rectal Smegma getting arrested in London
3. CIRCUS BEATS
4. Discovering Eskimo Callboy
5. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
(Honorable mentions: Voivod playing all of ‘Dimension Hatross’ at ROADBURN and that moshtard from Bury Your Dead getting 20 years in prison after assembling his own gang having being inspired to live a life of crime by Sons Of Anarchy.)
