DOUG’S DIATRIBES: CELEBS IN METAL SHIRTS

Like many metal-heads, my wardrobe comprises mainly of heavy metal shirts, much to the dislike of most of the females in my life (especially my mother).  We metal-heads proudly wear our shirts in public and at concerts.  But being the cynical asshole that I am, I get horribly disgusted when I see some celebrities sporting around some metal shirts as if they partake in such musical endeavors.  More on that later….

 

But first up, from my perspective, most people don’t notice the shirts I wear, with a few exceptions.  Frankly, I love Eyehategod and wear those shirts when I get the chance, and as previously mentioned many of the women of my life hate such a shirt (especially my mother).  From what I’ve come to gather though, most people don’t pay attention to it.  If the shirt were spelled out “I Hate God” then I’m sure I would get some raised eyebrows and dirty looks, with some nasty comments sprinkled in for good measure.  To be honest though, it has never happened to me, most likely due to the way the band spells the name.  The only close exception was just a matter of weeks ago when I was cleaning the pool here at my university, and a group of pre-teen homeschooled children having a swimming lesson noticed and a few discussed it amongst themselves.  But still, no one ever approached me about it.

 

The next shirt in my collection that has gotten me a few comments, but not many, would be my Dragged Into Sunlight shirt that features a dead body with a crucifix impaling the corpse through the mouth.  The only comments I’ve received are “What does the logo say?” and my personal favorite “Why would you wear such a hideous shirt?!”  If I really had to name a specific occasion that I received some nasty looks regarding the shirt, it would be in August of 2011 in Fort Worth, TX, when my friend Tony and I were at an Arby’s prior to a Crowbar/St. Vitus gig.  The young man behind the counter was wearing a necklace with a cross that was designed to look like nails, and kept staring at my shirt while shaking his head.  Then when I was waiting for the order, the young man was in the back pointing me out to the other employees who continued the dirty-look barrage.  No sweat with me though, and no, they didn’t spit in my food, I checked.

 

The one shirt story I can share that will draw the most laughter and amusement from you readers would have to be my Darkthrone shirt, with the “Transylvanian Hunger” artwork on the front.  It is an older shirt, so it’s worn out, the sleeves are cut off, and since I wear it to my part-time job at the pool, it was lightly dusted with powdered chlorine with gives it a very unique look.  But the roughly one dozen comments I’ve received personally on the shirt are not from metal-heads or people who are offended, but rather from people wearing Affliction shirts that love the design and want to know where they can get one.  I’m not joking, and it happens damn near each time I wear the shirt in a public situation where Affliction fans are afoot.  I suppose if the sleeves were sewn back on with a different color of thread, and the logo was in a metallic-foil or outlined with tacky rhinestones, they’d practically assault me for it.  So if anyone out there is reading this and wants a million-dollar idea to sell these types of designs to idiots who pay $80 for a t-shirt, there you go.  And the same cynical attitude goes to people who wear the Ed Hardy garbage.  I distinctly remember showing a tattoo on my arm to a classmate of mine, and the prissy girl overhearing the conversation pipes up with “I think tattoos are gross” as she’s decked out in Ed Hardy everything.  And even on a shameful note, I was once in a relationship with a girl that paid WAY too much for an Ed Hardy necklace because she liked the skull design on it.  (Our relationship didn’t work out, just so you know.)

 

Some of the blame that I like to throw would be on places like Hot Topic that cater to the trendies.  Once a store like Hot Topic came into prominence, suddenly teenagers everywhere are decked out with Led Zeppelin shirts that are all the same, from the 1977 US tour.  Now don’t get me wrong, I dig some Zeppelin just as much as the next guy, but wearing a Led Zep shirt around these days is about as common as wearing shoes.  The same goes with the numerous other classic rock bands that have shirt designs available at places in America like Target or Wal-Mart.

 

Still, as a metal fan, there’s nothing worse than seeing the over-hyped celebrity of the month in the tabloids wearing a metal shirt.  It makes me cringe every time, and there’s basically no way you can convince me that they are legitimate fans of the bands they sport shirts of.  And I’m sure most of you would agree with me that throwing the devil horns doesn’t make you metal, it makes you a trendy douche-bag.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Megan Fox:  She is indeed a gorgeous woman, even if she can’t act and her movies suck.  But above you’ll see a picture of her in an old Motley Crue shirt throwing the horns and then in an old Megadeth shirt.  From my cynical perspective, they were most likely thrift store finds, or something a fashion designer cooked up for her to wear to make her look “rough” and “vintage.”  The Crue sucks, and I highly doubt she would give Megadeth the time of day.  However, I would give Megan Fox the time of day, as long as she promises that she won’t show me her movies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

David Beckham:  Seen here in two pictures, one with his wife in an Exodus shirt, and another solo in a Maiden shirt.  I’m going to eat crow here and say that this might not be the situation I think it is.  Being a Brit and wearing a Maiden shirt makes total sense, but the Exodus shirt isn’t a newer one, or one of the throwback shirts you can find.  So I’m divided.  Plus, if I speak ill of him, he can totally kick my ass without breaking a sweat.  It would be a three hit fight: 1) Beckham hitting me, 2) me hitting the ground, and 3) the ambulance hitting 100mph.

 

 

Ke$ha:  Sporting an old Metallica shirt from the Damaged Justice era.  Again, tough call, but I might have to go with fashion statement instead of fan.  If she is a fan, then I’m sure it would just be Black Album era Metallica.  But given the context of the picture (which looks like a performance) and the condition of the shirt, coupled with her other clothes, it would most likely be blasphemy and part of an outfit for stage clothes.  Similar to Megan Fox, I’d give her the time of day, but she’d have to promise to not play her music around me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lindsay Lohan:  Seen here sporting an Iron Maiden shirt, total douche-baggery.  There’s no way you can convince me that she is a fan of Maiden, and this shirt was probably a thrift store find for her, and I’ll bet she paid at least $50 for it too.  Tool.  Given her recent substance abuse issues though, I feel she’d be in a better form wearing a Motley Crue or Poison shirt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miley Cyrus:  Another celebrity in an Iron Maiden shirt.  But let’s look at it from another angle.  Outspoken Christian with a purity ring she got from her father, who is a country music singer might I add.  LAME!  Disney’s princess and chief money-maker is most likely not a Maiden fan.  But if anyone out there has first-hand knowledge of this, I’d be curious to hear it.  I’m sure she has a drug dealer out there someone with a loose connection to someone that can provide insight to this.

 

 

 

 

 

The offspring of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt:  This will highlight my softer side, as I’m not going to talk bad about a child in any manner.  Do I think Pitt and Jolie are Sabbath fans? No way.  But is it cool to see a child in a Sabbath shirt?  Hell yeah!  My displeasure is with the child’s parents.  And the child looks too young to know what’s up with Sabbath.  So I’ll keep my fingers crossed that in the future, this young man will be turned on to the glory that is Black Sabbath.

 

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